I need suggestions for this story I'm writing, if you have a short attentiopn span, don't

My story is, strange, if not borderline weird. Well, I guess it閳ユ獨 weird unless if you consider a dog with a Brooklyn accent, star-crossed lovers living on planets six million light-years apart and an orange mutated chipmunk is normal. Oh, and I almost forgot my third eye.

Of course, if you lived when and where I live, you閳ユ獓 think you閳ユ獓 gone crazy. Half the world is deserted, ghost towns and nature reclaiming what was lost to it, is what has become of the western hemisphere. People are weird to, wearing crucifixes and carrying around water guns they raided from deserted toy stores. People are strange and so are their stories.

Almost everybody has a story nowadays. The invasion stretched to every region of the world and almost every soul was affected by it. But my story, mine takes place after the invasion. In a world where the biggest cities hold maybe 1,000 people. The world閳ユ獨 population is about 3 million, aliens included. Don閳ユ獩 let this get you down, this is the best thing that has ever happened to Earth. Nature is, well, natural again, everything is so much easier now that the Earth isn閳ユ獩 overcrowded. Before the invasion, there were 12 billion people here! It was horrible at the time, so many people died at the hands of the Omanian閳ユ獨. A terrible alien species, who had run out of space on their home planet and came and invaded ours. We were out of space to! So their solution was, kill as many as possible and then eat them. They killed seven billion and they couldn閳ユ獩 even dispose of all of us, so they sent bodies into space and it was absolutely positively horrible. But the rest of the humans weren閳ユ獩 killed, the rest, that aren閳ユ獩 here of course, were sent to other planets, such as Kibblian 7, in exchange for some of their people to come here. They helped us kick out the Omanian閳ユ獨 and many of Kibblian閳ユ獨 still remain here.

Now you閳ユ獧e probably wondering how we can even communicate with intelligent life from planets that are obviously light-years away, It閳ユ獨 a simple solution really, a very smart WOMAN read A Wrinkle In Time and decided that is what she would do, sort of, create a machine that would fold the very fabric of space and allow her to travel billions of light-years in a matter of hours. These machines are what we call cars, just because she thought the term appropriate.

I have a car, and a third eye.

I don閳ユ獩 really have a third eye, some people just call it that, I have a necklace that I don閳ユ獩 take off. It was given to me by my mother before she died in the invasion. That eye looks quite normal compared to my own. Usually I have one that is the brightest green and the other is normally shockingly blue. But they like to change colors . My nose is long and skinny and my lips are full and red. I have discovered that after the invasion I can change the way I look at will, but I don閳ユ獩 usually. I keep my hair long and black, and as much as I would like to change it, I am still small and skinny for my age. Yes, I could give myself nice lean muscles, long legs and super graceful curves, but it does seem wrong, to pretend to be something I閳ユ獡 not.

My car is my home, literally. I sleep in the backseat, it閳ユ獨 quite efficient really, it costs me virtually no money, because it runs on pretty much anything, sunlight, oxygen, water, gasoline, little tiny gases floating around in the air, little children閳ユ獨 tears and the sorrow閳ユ獨 of mankind. It floats in water, can go underwater for long periods of time (since it runs on water), hovers a foot above ground, flies and, of course travels through the very fabric of space and time. It閳ユ獨 also impossible to steal, or even see, unless if I allow you to, which is pretty nifty, because there are a lot of thieves running around stealing babies and whatnot. My dad worked on it, making sure I would be safe when flying around space. He閳ユ獨 dead to, got blown up in an attempt to destroy the Omanian閳ユ獨 mother ship.

At this moment in time I am lying on my back seat trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately I can閳ユ獩閳? I just can閳ユ獩 help but think how completely and utterly alone I am in this world. Zeffo, my alien cat cuddles against my leg, purring. He is pretty much a cat, although he has six legs and can fly. Oh yeah, and he閳ユ獨 purple.

閳ユ翻his isn閳ユ獩 gonna happen is it? No it will not, sleep will evade me until the human population reaches 46 thousand trillion gagazillionleeabillion and stuff.閳? I say, I notice Zeffo has fallen asleep on my leg. I shake him off, he will be miserable with me.

閳ユ返eah that閳ユ獨 right you walk away- or just fall asleep, if that閳ユ獨 easier for you.閳? My efforts to chat up my cat have been futile.

Me: Hey Zeffo, wanna go see a movie?

Zeffo: (Licks private parts)

Me: I take it that閳ユ獨 a yes.

Zeffo: Meow.

Me: Awesome, what movie?

Zeffo: (Blank stare.)

Me: Umm閳?

Zeffo: (Continues licking private parts)

Me: Sorry, no porn.

Zeffo: (Looks up)

Mw: Saw 8,600?

Zeffo: (Most likely passes gas)

Mo: The End of Western Civilization 2?

Zeffo: Meow

Moo: Er, what about a holiday movie?

Zeffo: (Hisses, attempts to scratch out my eyeball閳ユ獨)

Mey: So, no movie閳ユ獨?

Zeffo: (Silence)

Violet: Awesome.

In case you were wondering, I閳ユ獡 Violet. I don閳ユ獩 have some weird futuristic alien name, I閳ユ獡 just Violet, Violet Swan Dantes.

I need suggestions for this story I'm writing, if you have a short attentiopn span, don't read................

That's a pretty interesting story! There are some SPAG errors that need some attention: to/too; sentence structure needs attention; basic editing. I think going over it and editing, however, (what we all have to do no matter our level of talent or experience) will fix these problems. There's a book out there called "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk and E.B. White. You might want to you obtain it and use it if you don't already have a copy. It's a pretty useful little book.

http://books.google.com/books?id=IAy6NCD...

This, I believe, is an older edition before E.B. White added to it, but this gives you and idea. You'll want at least the fourth edition.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0...

You have a great imagination. Bear in mind that when you ask for critiques not everyone will like your stories; you will get ALOT of negative feedback: people that hate your story, your writing style, your general voice, and some people will be downright mean about it. You'll also get feedback from people that have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, although they might sound like it; they might even purport to be authors. Take it all with a grain of salt and take what's useful to you and apply it. It's hard to not let the really mean comments effect you. On the other side of that coin, you'll get alot of a really GREAT comments from people that shower you with compliments. Look for the critiques that are in between. The ones that point out good and bad; look for the ones that are honest, not just mean, not overly polite. Those critiques will be your most useful. It's hard, conversely, to not let a glowing critique or comment about your story not swell you up with pride, but, face it, your story might be a stinker and your friend or whoever might not want to hurt your feelings. Likewise, unfortunately, there really are some real jerks out there that do know what they are talking about. Someone can be mean, but if they are pointing out real grammatical issues, issues with point of view, pacing, plot, characterization, dialogue, setting, etc, and they are explaining some technical things, you should probably pay attention. You just have to listen with your head, not your pride.

Lastly, posting online like this is inherently dangerous. Someone could come along and copy and paste your story and run with it.

Alex

I need suggestions for this story I'm writing, if you have a short attentiopn span, don't read................

This is kind of interesting. It makes absolutely no sense though, which is probably what you were going for. Pretty much none of the interesting stuff you said in the beginning were mentioned except that eyeball thing. The conversation with the cat was just freaking retarded. Also, you made the car thing too cool. Someone who can get that nice a car wouldn't have to live out of it. Overall, I didn't really like this. Sorry.

I need suggestions for this story I'm writing, if you have a short attentiopn span, don't read................

i loved it it is good i think that you should cntinue it

I need suggestions for this story I'm writing, if you have a short attentiopn span, don't read................

Looks like a great start but I'm not a writer but keep going looks good

I need suggestions for this story I'm writing, if you have a short attentiopn span, don't read................

well... you might want to take a little more time explaining things at first, and dont just go right out and have the character explain it, have the character be doing something like talking to someone or just simply walking down the street and noticing the lack of people. slowly reveal the background story in a more interesting way, dont just state the facts like your writing a history book. also you gave your character way to much good stuff, i know your going to be tempted to do that(i am tempted all the time to give a person in games im designing a bunch of good stuff, it just feels like im giving the stuff to myself) but u must get over that you have to give the character a balance of pros and cons. no one wants to read a story about a person who can do anything, most people read books about people that have something in common with them. o ya, dont use the whole "they ran out of room on their planet" thing(its been used a million times) be unique(like the way you were in the rest of the story). thats all the advice i can give right now. if you have any more questions, or when you get more of the story done, dont be afraid to message me, i would love to read more of the story.