Freestyle dont remark on the grammer " She Is"?

Totalled and lacking all other interest

The vessal of this heavenly creature was in the body of a normal human,

skin like jet black stone shined by the ocean,

Hair made into the woven strands of orignality,

Her face was what my heart first desired,

But it was her thoughts that made me want to stay awhile,

Through the thickness of her figure,

She was a symbol that big girls have beauty,

Laughing to the tunes of unmarked artists,

Remarking to the words pouring out of this poor poets mouth,

She is the everything and the unknown,

The lost treasure and the inspiration for this here poem.

She is the defining pause of the breathless,

But for now shes my girl and just doesnt know it.

Freestyle dont remark on the grammer " She Is"?

actually I think that for freestyle the form is still a little bit too constricted. Maybe loosen it up with choppier lines, less structure, do away with the commas and the need to tell us about her. Let HER tell us about herself through stylistic alterations to the form.